I recently finished writing a novel. At first it was extremely difficult – you have to think up people and then give them things to do to each other, and then you have to clean the place up after them. What a drag. But then I sold my soul to Satan, and I finished the whole thing in under fifteen years. How did I do it, you ask? You’ve almost certainly tried to invoke the Unspeakable One at some point in your life, whether you knew it or not, but were you using the right kind of cowl? And it’s so hard to judge proper sacrificial etiquette with all that screaming in your ears. Don’t worry, I was once like you. Believe it or not, there was a time when I had no idea how to summon the devil, but then I stumbled across the most evil and immoral place known to mankind – Yahoo Answers.
1. Animal Sacrifice
To be honest, I was a bit wary of this. I love cute furry things as much as the next necromancer and the idea of killing something as beautiful and graceful as a chicken or a goat filled me with horror. Then I saw the advice from the friendly demonologists on Yahoo Answers – almost every single one recommended I do away with some form of livestock. Some went a little further though.
As useful as this answer was, I decided to scroll down the page. It’s always good to get a second opinion before embarking on either animal murder or scatophilia.
So I had the option to start with animals, but no matter how many of their corpses I crammed into my bedroom at strangely specific times, I would eventually have to pony up a human. Or my baby. I don’t have any Great Grandchildren yet, and the idea of waiting around that long was a bit of a turn-off, so I decided to skip this part altogether. Surely there were others methods that could be used to invite Old Nick around for tea and blood-cakes.
I immediately felt more comfortable with this – my many animals and babies would be left unharmed – but I was still quite anxious. I was terrible at maths in school. Would the Devil ask me to fill out a form where x equals h but is greater than p, where h is dirty thoughts about puppets and p is that time you stole a single shoe from the rack outside the shoe shop? Because that would be embarrassing. Luckily, there was only one number involved.
So it started well enough. The part about the Jesus Fish inside one of the other fishes threw me slightly but I soldiered on. Then I read the ‘Best Answer’. To be fair, there were two pieces of valid advice from ‘Blood of Jesus saves’:
a) Don’t go near lakes and sinkholes. Especially when an 80-foot dinosaur alert is in place.
b) Don’t go into a UFO ship.
I filed those for later use and continued down the screen.
As much as I wanted to shake hands with the Lord of Flies, I cannot live in a room where I’m not allowed to spin around six times. So this one was out.
3. Incentive Program
Perhaps there was a way that I could make an offer to Satan that he simply couldn’t refuse. I would make him come to me and then milk him for all he was worth.
I would have settled for being immortal, all-knowing and beautiful, with all the money and women in the world – forget the bit about cars. With all the cash being mine, I could probably afford to buy a hot new Nissan. The answer was perfect in its simplicity.
I just had to get some soul-suspenders and soul-stilettos-with-clear-heels. But could I really do that to my soul? Dress it up like a common hussy and force it to walk the streets for the money? I’m many things, but I’m no soul pimp.
4. Dustin Hoffman
At first, this seemed like a bit of a stretch. How could a famous Hollywood actor help me to contact the King of the Underworld? I know he dressed up as a lady for that one movie years ago but did that really make him an Acolyte of the Damned? Apparently it did.
I wasn’t sure where rappers fit into the whole equation, but neither was our old friend ‘Blood of Jesus saves’, so I let that slide. All I had to do was contact Mr Hoffman’s agent and request a meeting. He was incredibly polite and efficient, and it was only a matter many, many months before my novel was finished and sitting on my bedside cabinet. So if you fancy having your wildest dreams fulfilled, you know what to do. I’m sure Dustin, Prince of Darkness would love to hear from you.
Alan Power is a scoundrel, jackaloon and writer who lives in the internet.